100 Bible Verses in 2013

 

This year one of my goals is to be more intentional about memorizing scripture. I’ve decided to join Shanna at Learning at His Feet and lots of others in memorizing 100 verses this year using the book 100 Bible Verses Everyone Should Know By Heart by Robert J. Morgan. Every Monday I’ll be back to share the two verses we’ll be memorizing for the week. Won’t you join us?

Genesis 1:1-“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.”

John 1:1- “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”

I will be using the NIV for all of my verses. I plan on incorporating these into our homeschool as well, so that my whole family will have memorized 100 new verses by the end of 2013!

 

 

Practicing bokeh

So I know everything wrong with this photo; the biggest most obvious problem being the amount of noise. BUT, I’m determined to not shoot in auto anymore and I’m finally getting the hang of manual, so hopefully my pictures will improve again soon!!

Dear Josh

It’s been 54 days since you left us. We have good and bad days, good and bad moments within those days. My perspective has shifted so much that I live minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day now. If I feel like this, I can’t even begin to imagine what our mother feels like. Or our sisters. Or brother. I’ve witnessed the entire spectrum of human emotion since you left us. Sorrow. So heavy, never lifting, constant companion sorrow. Anger. White hot, unrelenting, threatening to consume her anger. Grief. She keeps telling herself you’re on vacation. She waits for you to walk in the door. She longs for your smile, your laugh. One who cannot process what he saw; who cannot let it go and move on. Who will not, maybe ever. One who retreats even deeper into herself; unreachable. Who live in fear now. Who can’t sleep at night. Who curl up in the closet because the grief is unbearable. Who don’t want to be left alone anymore. Who can’t talk about the pain. Who have nightmares.

Your absence changes everything. In ways I didn’t even know were possible.

I’m angry today, can you tell? Last night it was sorrow. Bone-deep, gut-wrenching sadness. Out of nowhere, at the end of a pretty good day, it hit me.

My brother is gone. Gone.

You made a choice. You chose to leave us. And now we’re left to deal with the aftermath of your decision.

Your death makes me question things I thought I was sure of. Fundamental, who I am and what I know to be true things. So today, I choose anger. Because there are still some things that I get to choose.

I miss you. We all miss you. I wish…so many things. But most of all I wish I had called you that day.

I should have called…

I am so sorry I didn’t call.

Joshua James DiMare 4/4/84-10/25/12

On Thursday, October 25th my little brother took his own life. Just typing that sentence takes my breath away. It’s been twenty-two days and I still can’t wrap my mind around it. Can’t accept that he’s gone. Just gone. Sometimes the pain is so strong, so heavy, so unbearable that I’ve taken to trying not to think about him at all. But that only gets me so far, and when thoughts of him sneak in anyway they hit me so hard it’s like a physical blow.

Josh and I haven’t been close in a while. I haven’t decided if that’s a curse or a blessing. It’s a blessing because he wasn’t part of my daily life. I don’t walk around my house and have physical reminders of him. (Unless you count his daughter, but that’s for another time.) I don’t hear a song on the radio and remember it was his favorite. What I do have, however, is guilt. Overwhelming, tremendous, indescribable guilt. I am the oldest of all my siblings. Significantly older than some. Given the age difference I have felt a responsibility for them most of my life. To look out for them. To protect them. To love them. To fight for them. When I had children of my own they became my priority. I rationalized that my siblings were adults and didn’t need me anymore. Not a day goes by now that I don’t feel the weight of that decision. That I don’t run a million “if only” scenarios through my head.  Josh was my brother. A part of my family…a part of who I am and where I come from. And I let him down. I knew he was broken. I knew it and did nothing.  I let him down and I can’t ever make it up to him. Ever.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. Right now I need an outlet.  I spend most of my days thinking about him or talking to him in my head, and if I keep it all inside, I may just burst.

Dear Josh,

I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t fight harder for you. There were a million times throughout the years I could’ve and I didn’t. I’m sorry that you had to go through the things you did in your short life. I’m sorry we weren’t closer as adults. I’m sorry we didn’t spend more time together. I’m sorry that when I read through our texts they were all you asking me to babysit, and me almost always being too busy.

I’m sorry that you didn’t reach out to someone. I’m sorry that you thought you had no other choice. I’m sorry that your little girl will never know you, or how much you loved her. I’m sorry that you didn’t know how many people loved you, or how much they did. I’m sorry that you didn’t know the impact your decision would have on us all. Your absence changes everything. In ways I didn’t even know were possible.

I’m sorry that sometimes I’m angry at you. That sometimes I hate how selfish you were. And then I hate myself for hating you. Sometimes I hate my husband for not understanding. Sometimes I hate people for asking me how I am. Or telling me not to blame myself. Or that there’s nothing we could have done. Sometimes it scares me how strong my anger is. Sometimes I think I can’t stand another minute of the emotions warring inside me.

I’m sorry that it took your death to bring our family back together. I wish we could’ve done it in time to save you. I wish we could have known what you were thinking.

What were you thinking? What the hell were you thinking?? I try and try and try to imagine what could’ve been going on in your mind. And I just can’t.

I love you. I pray to God you knew how much.

Happy 1/2 Birthday, Katie!

Katie has been lobbying hard all year to institute a new holiday in our family-her half birthday celebration. In her mind this day would be just like her actual birthday with adventures and festivities including cake, ice cream, and presents.

                                                                 

Since the seed for this idea may or may not have been planted when she overheard her mama trying to convince her daddy that it would be a fabulous idea to celebrate half birthdays, we compromised. We took her out for lunch. She painted a special picture during school. She gleefully announced to everyone she came in contact with that it was her half birthday. And at the end of the day, we celebrated with a breakfast cookie. But the best part of all was that she felt special. We reminisced and loved on her and celebrated her, and that was enough. I love that in a world that puts value on fancy vacations and expensive things that we’re raising children that are content with celebrations filled with love and laughter, and not much else.

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” –Matthew 6:19-21

Happy First Day of School!!

  

                                      

            

“Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.”-Psalm 71:17

Home Sweet Home

 

 

The first picture is the before picture of the kitchen. We haven’t had the money to do much with the kitchen yet, but it’s in our five year plan to completely remodel it. ( I’m really hoping it will be on the sooner end of five years!)  For now we pulled down the silver tiles that were there as a backsplash and repainted and added border. It’s much more us now that we’ve been here a while and it’s happy and cheerful and serves our family’s needs.

   

This is the dining area that opens to our back deck, and the room that my husband has put the most work into. Since this is less of a room and more of a nook he put a giant hole in the wall to open it up. The wall used to be an outside wall, so it was quite a lot more work than he originally thought it would be, but it was so worth the weeks of construction and drywall dust all over the entire house! It used to feel very small and claustrophobic, and now it’s perfect! (This is just one illustration of the many, many talents my husband possesses and I am so very blessed to be his wife.  He can literally do everything!)

  

First is the before picture of the family room. The second picture is taken standing in the dining area looking through the newly constructed hole (window? I don’t even know what to call it!) We took down the chair rail and border and painted, and now we have a nice big room we can all spend time together in. The right side of the room has all the girls toys, etc., as well as the keyboard and lots and lots of books. The left side of the room has my big desk with all of my craft supplies, etc. and a desk and computer for the girls.

  

In the bathroom we stripped and repaired the walls then repainted and put up a new border. It’s a little small for our family being the only bathroom, but my husband has plans to put a second bathroom upstairs. After my kitchen is done, of course!

   

New paint and border for the living room, and that’s about it. This is my favorite room in the house. There’s lots of light and it’s just bright and sunny and happy. We still need to sand and refinish the floor, but other than that it’s perfect!

 

Before and after of the girls room. Don’t mind the mess, I never remember to get in there with the camera when it’s actually clean…

We’ve been here for eight months now, and already I can’t imagine living anywhere else…it’s been home since the day we moved in!