Saturday, February 23, 2013

Dear Josh

In two days it will be four months since your death. Until tonight I thought it was getting easier. Being angry helps. Telling myself that you made a choice, that you took the easy way out; thoughts like that dull the pain, make it easier to focus on keeping on.  Tonight I watched a video of you singing “How to Save a Life”, which has been like my life song since you left. It tore me up. My heart aches just like the night I heard the news. It hurts so much I can’t breathe and I would do anything, anything to make it stop. I wonder if this is just what it’s like now. If no matter how much time passes there will be good days-enough to make you think things are better-and then out of nowhere something strips that all away and no time has passed at all and we’re just hearing the news for the first time and the grief is unbearable. Awful and heavy and unbearable, just like the first night. All over again.

Tonight I let my mind go where I don’t allow it anymore. I think back over your life. I picture you as a bright, smiling, funny little boy. So young and so innocent and still unaffected by all of the things that would ultimately lead you to make the choice that changed us all. That changed everything.  I wish I could understand. I wish I could know what you were thinking. What you were feeling. How someone could feel so hopeless. So beaten. Thoughts of what your last moments on earth must have been like haunt me. The reality that you’ve already had your last moments on earth haunt me. How could this be real? You had so much more life to live…

I love you. We all love you. I wish it had been enough.

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